Death

I'm not really sure why I feel the way I do right now.  To offer a bit of back story, a friend of Randi's passed away overnight last night, and I'm left feeling a bit conflicted.  On the one hand, it's always unfortunate to hear that someone so young has passed away, but on the other hand it is difficult to mourn someone that you didn't have any particular affinity for.  The young man (Robbie)  who passed away was someone that I also happened to go to high school with, but I never particularly liked him nor did I hang out in the same social circles that he did. 

In fact, I more or less held a mild contempt for him for reasons I didn't fully understand at that time.  After high school, I met Randi and our paths crossed once again as I learned Robbie was a close friend of hers, and that they had in fact dated for some time before we met.  From there, the conflict grew between myself and this person.  He always seemed to be meddling in our relationship in one way or another. 

He was the kind of person who would string his female friends along by doing random things for them that somehow crossed the boundaries of friendship into the realm of what a boyfriend should do.  The fact that Randi seemed oblivious to this fact only served to aggravate the effects of those behaviors, and I struggled with that for some time.  Randi was my first serious girlfriend, and there I was getting upstaged by this person on a somewhat regular basis.  What was I doing?

Time passed, and Robbie faded into the background which was acceptable to me.  He was mentioned occasionally, but I never really took interest in anything he was doing.  Then, when our relationship hit some troubled times, he reared his head once more to reintroduce further conflict to my life.  It wasn't the same as before, but there he was nonetheless.  It was a presence that I had trained myself to resent.  Here we were with our own relationship skating on thin ice, and he had to shove his face back in the middle of it. 

Over time, I started learning about several personality flaws of his that aggravated my own disdain for his character.  To make things worse, he stole from me and from Randi on separate occasions, and had assaulted his then pregnant girlfriend at their apartment.  To make a long story short(ish), I had never really cared for this person.  I don't want to come off as sounding like some sort of monster, but when I learned that he had died, there was no small part of me that was saddened by the news. 

The biggest point of conflict that I feel at this point is whether or not I should feel upset.  What's more difficult is that Randi is obviously distraught over his passing, but I find it difficult to comfort her or find anything positive to say about the situation.  It seems petty to let my personal feelings for this person to get in the way of being a decent human being, but I'm really struggling with it right now. 

The more I think about it, I almost feel like this whole situation is more of an inconvenience in some ways which is a fact that even I feel horrible about.  It's not as though the universe is trying to stick it to me one last time because this person died or anything, but it's difficult not to resent him in some ways still. 

Thinking about death makes people think about their own mortality, and about how the world views them.  It makes us think about how we would be remembered, and whether or not those we knew would have positive things to say about us.  If I feel this way about Robbie, its all together possible that there is a person or people who may feel the same way about me.  I'm not above having enemies, and it hurts to think that someone would be indifferent about the fact that I may not be here some day. 

Perhaps that's the best way to look at it.  Even though I didn't get along with Robbie, or even like him as a person while he was alive, I should be big enough to forgive him for his faults.  He may have made the wrong choices, and some of those mistakes may reflect and make me resent some of my own mistakes, but I should let those feelings go now.  Robbie had friends and family members who love and care about him. 

He has a son who will grow up never knowing the man that helped bring him into the world.  He has parents who have to face the fact that they outlived one of their children.  He has close friends who will never be able to sit around and reminisce about the good times they had with him.  I will mourn him for those reasons instead of dwelling on the things that kept us from being more than acquaintances. 

Even though we may have been rivals in some ways, he never did anything to me that would make me want to wish illness or death upon him, and for that I will mourn his loss.  I only hope that I can be a better person so that those I leave behind will have fond memories of me when I'm gone.  There is some sadness within me after all over this.  I won't miss Robbie, or think fondly back on his memory, but I do feel bad about the fact that he is now gone.  I feel bad about the fact that there are people who are most likely inconsoleable over his death. 

He will be missed afterall, even though I may not miss him for the same reasons as others.  Robbie didn't selfishly take his own life, he succumbed to illness which is often the most frightening way to go.  It wasn't a quick or merciful death.  He suffered, and his loved ones had to stand by and watch that happen helplessly.  Those are punishments that I would never wish upon anyone.  I do hope his spirit is at rest, and that he found fulfillment during his last days. 

In honor of his passing, I will let any negative feelings I had for him pass as well.  Instead, my thoughts and well wishes go out to all of those he has left behind.  I hope that they will find some peace and comfort during these difficult times.  Rest in peace, Robbie.  Your suffering has ended.