June 20

Feeling a lot of the usual despair today, but I'm feeling physically run down as well.  I'm not really sure what brought this bout of depression or anxiety or whatever it may be on, but it sucks as much as it always does.  I just feel so run down.  I don't feel like a good person.  I don't feel like I have lived up to the expectation of others.  I don't feel proud of any accomplishments ( I can't really think of any recent ones anyway).  I resent the success and happiness of others.  I feel like a failure as a father and as a husband.  I feel frustrated with my wife and how she doesn't pick up the slack in areas where I am insufficient.  I'm annoyed by my own complaining and self pity.  I'm worried about money, yet I feel like splurging and spending all of it if I had some in hopes that it would make me feel better temporarily. 

I just feel stuck like this, and I don't want to feel this way anymore.  It's like getting through the day saps so much of my energy that I don't have any left to try and make my life any better.  Most people would probably tell me to go see a psychiatrist, and a part of me feels like it would be a relief for someone to finally nail down what is wrong with me and help me get better.  On the other hand, I'm worried that they will just tell me that I need to eat better, exercise, and do positivity exercises.  Been there, done that.

Then, there's the matter of the money...the expense.  I barely have enough money to keep our house stocked with food and to pay the bills.  How would I afford the weekly doctor's visits and possible medication bills?  I could probably afford it if I gave something else up, but will that really happen?  Not likely.  I guess I'll just sit in this pool of despair and keep my mouth shut as I always do.  Great. 

Maybe I don't deserve to be happy?  Is that it?  Maybe the only ones who deserve to be happy are those who find joy in the simplicity of their lives?  If that's true, I would rather just give up on life entirely and somehow stop living.  I don't want to die, but if that's the only way to not feel this anymore then I guess that's how it is.