July 23

I woke up with the overwhelming feeling of "blah" today.  I don't really feel depressed or anything.  If anything, things have been going pretty "ok" lately, and I haven't really been beating myself up over most of the usual stuff.  It's just that today is Tuesday, and I don't really feel like being at work today.  Time will pass slowly as usual, and it doesn't really feel worth it to suffer through another day of this .  There probably isn't any such thing as a perfect job, but there has to be something else out there that is more satisfying or stimulating than this.  Something that I can get into that is. 

I did have a good job interview last week with Heartland Financial.  The whole thing went really well, and the only negative thing about the position would be that it may pay less than my current salary.  It's not really a huge consideration, but less money is less money.  I'm doing my best not to get excited about how things went though.  There have been too many times that I've had a good interview only to get the "thank you for applying, but we have chosen a candidate who will better suit our needs" response or no response at all. 

Working there would probably better suit my personality since the job isn't customer facing, but there's nothing to celebrate until they say the position is mine.  I'm a pretty pessimistic person these days when it comes to that kind of thing.  Once bitten, twice shy they say.  It would be energizing to start somewhere new, but good jobs that I can get into are in extremely short supply. 

One thing that has been bothering me lately is that my kids are growing up so fast that I don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I always have this fear that they will grow up and not like me or that we will argue and then Noah or Jake will resent me.  I don't want to have that kind of conflict with my kids, but I guess it's up to me to start identifying with them now.  To be honest, I haven't been very good with either of them so far.  Noah needs more guidance and he should get the same opportunities to have good bonding time with me while he is still young and wants to spend time with his dad. 

The day will come when he will want his privacy, and I can only do so much to teach him the right ways to behave in certain situations.  It's time to step up in that regard.  The best thing to do would be spending time with them.  That really isn't as hard as it sounds, but I need to let go of some of my own diversions before I can do it. 

Oh well, I need to try to shake this feeling so I can get through the day.