Entry 7

I've been struggling with compulsion for the past few days, and that coupled with good old fashioned laziness has kept me from doing any sort of dieting or exercise.  This is particularly frustrating, because my dissatisfaction with my physical appearance is what influences my depression the most.  It didn't help that I put the shirt this morning that I wore for our wedding, and it is already starting to fit poorly.  I feel like I've sunk to a new low or reached a new high with my fatness; depending on how you look at it. 

I am also frustrated with the fact that no matter how many times I tell myself that I am going to start waking up earlier, I turn my alarm off every day and end up sleeping longer than I would like.  I'm so tired of being frustrated all of the time.  I find that I am growing more and more frustrated with Noah on a daily basis too, and then I feel guilty for snapping at him when I'm really upset with myself for not being the person I want to be. 

I'm tired of my impotence. I say over and over again that I will change, but I quickly revert back to my old habits the next day.  I woul like to say that I am proud of myself for sticking with our saving plan so far, but it's really only been a week since I started.  There's still plenty of time to screw that one up too.  Maybe my mood is just poor today, but I wonder what it will really take to make me change.  I wonder how I did it before, and why it is so hard to get on track again now.